James Wood Teachings

My experience is that witnessing it impersonally as much as you can — the ugly thing, ugly physical attribute or whatever — is what works. For example, you are exercising and this form comes up, self-loathing or whatever. The more you can be with it without judgment, the less it can take you over. For example, the thought “You’re weak” comes up. Just notice the thought-feeling-sensation awareness of it — what it looks like, color, shape, everything — in the midst of movement, and keep moving.

This is like dancing with the ugly duckling, like dancing with Howard the Duck. It’s ugly. George Lucas had to dance with his own ugliness, because the movie Howard the Duck was a huge failure for him, a massive flop. Can you imagine George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, feeling, thinking that he is a low-life loser? He had to dance with that duck.

You might look in the mirror and look ugly to yourself, filtering the image of your face through concepts in your mind. If you are really present for the thought-feeling-sensation and everything about it, allowing it to go deeper and so on, the somatic sensation may connect you to a deeper, emotional feeling. The thought is You don’t look like you’re supposed to. It’s insidious. You must be present for it. Look at it. In the midst of brushing your teeth, go deeper into the thought-feeling-sensation of brushing the teeth, almost with amusement, because the apparently loathsome face in the mirror is a thought form that is trying to get you to believe it. There’s something wrong with your face. Would you like to purchase some real estate in the Everglades? I don’t buy it.

The mind can’t stand it, and it surrenders to your mindfulness. Feel what you feel, even if it is something “ugly.” It is a thought-feeling-sensation complex, and whatever movement you are doing, keep doing it. Let it become conscious movement. Allow the vibrancy of the whole field of your body, of Being. Like the sun, Is-ness simply is. You can’t name it, really. If a form of body negativity starts to come up, just notice, be present. Notice that the emotion is triggered by a sensation followed by a thought about the sensation. Notice the whole thought-feeling-sensation complex without judgment. Yes.

Dependent means like an orphan who has been adopted. If you see a child on the street hurting, a street kid, if you see him as separate from you, he is an “it” “over there.” Psychopaths kill without conscience because, to a psychopath, humans are like flat things, and killing one is no more significant than ripping a sheet of paper. In legal terminology, a “dependent” is a child. That baby or child is dependent on you, from your heart — nurturing it, loving it. It’s not an orphan. If your body is an orphan, adopt it.

If a child were afraid and contracted, would you slap it? A slapped child gets cold, ugly, and lonely in itself, like a body part that you “slap” with your mind. Everything you see is an orphan that you must adopt. Everything is looking for you to love it. We’re all waiting for it, but we’re not going to get it, because we are the ones who are not doing it. If we don’t do it, who’s going to do it? That’s just the way it is: lots of orphans, both inner and outer. “I hate my body” is like “I hate my child.” Get to know it, listen to it, let it speak to you. It may cry, even discharge fluids, cleanse, let go.

To be free, I have to get to all of the anxiety, all the way into the depths of the body, the “how I hate myself” in parts of the body. How do you hold that? How do you hold a precious baby that thinks it’s a slug? You can’t say it, so what is your quality of holding? I feel it radiating from my chest into a field of space “held” by my open hands, cradling. We all want to be loved that way. Where does that come from? It’s as if it comes from an infinite dimension beyond all knowing.